That's just wrong!
by Purple-Dove808
Summary: All Renji wanted to do was relax after a long day's work, but given the task of personally hand delivering an important document to Rukia. He suddenly stops when he hears the strangest conversation between his captain and Rukia. "No way! But-but, they-they're brother and sister!"


_**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach , it is property of Tite Kubo. **_

_**A/N: My first fic for bleach! I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. **_

_**Summary: All Renji wanted to do was relax after a long day's work, but given the task of personally hand delivering an important document to Rukia. He suddenly stops when he hears the strangest conversation between his captain and Rukia. "No way! But-but, they-they're brother and sister!"**_

* * *

**Renji's pov**

I lazily made my way out the through the front door of the sixth division's office but not before stopping to glance at the clock that hung above the door frame. "Eight-thirty five! Oh man, so much for an early turn in." I rubbed my neck lightly out of habit as I walked down the hallway. "Damn that captain Kuchiki, it's not even my fault that I was late today! But does he listen! No! He just piles-"

"Excuse me lieutenant Abarai." I looked up, surprised to see Isane from the fourth division standing in front of me. How had I not seen her? Or sensed her for that matter.

"I hope I'm not interrupting you." She started.

"Err, no, I was just-" Ranting to myself, no that just sounds silly. "You didn't…it's weird to see you here, somethin the matter?"

"Nothing is wrong as such, simply I was instructed by my captain to deliver this document to miss Rukia Kuchiki." She said holding out a large envelope. "I understand that she is due back from the world of the living today."

Hugh? "I didn't know she was coming back today." I certainly can't remember Rukia telling me anything about when she was coming back.

"Anyway. I was hoping to pass this document onto captain Kuchiki so that he might deliver it to miss Rukia, however upon arriving at the sixth division I was informed that captain Kuchiki had already retired for the night."

Yeah lucky bastard. "Ok, I see. But wait, they sent_ you_, a lieutenant to deliver a message? Couldn't you're division, spare I dunno-"

"Lieutenant Abarai please, I respect my captain's wishes and she selected me personally to run this errand on the grounds that the information contained within this document is of great importance."

Instantly I regretted my tone, could Rukia be ill? "Hey is Rukia okay? She sick or something." Isane looked mildly startled.

"As far as I am aware, miss Rukia is in good health, however…" She looked at me uncertainly. Now what did I do? "Please refrain from asking such things in future, I am not at liberty to distribute personal information about the health of other soul reapers even to a concerned friend."

"Right, when you said- oh, never mind."

"I must return soon, I'm on night shift duty today and this errand has taken me longer to accomplish than anticipated."

Yeah, I should get going too I thought, looks like it's gonna be take out for dinner again.

"Could you please pass this document onto your captain." That caught my attention. Great now she wants me to play the messenger.

"You mean as in go to the Kuchiki manor?"

"Yes, that is the most likely place that your captain would be, is it not?" she asked smiling, I swear she secretly finds this whole thing funny.

"I could give it to him in the morning." I tried, I don't want to go see the captain now, I just wanna go home!

"I was instructed to hand this to captain Kuchiki today."

"Yeah, but couldn't you like get a maid or one of the guys out front…"

"As I said, this document is of great importance. Surely you don't expect me to hand it to just anyone?"

I sighed loudly, I just wanted to whole conversation to be over. "Fine."

"Thank you lieutenant Abarai, please be sure to hand it to him directly. I will inform my captain that it was you who passed it on."

"Right." Geez, what could be so important?

"Oh and one more thing."

"Yes." What is it now I thought irritably.

"Do not open that envelope, I'm trusting you Renji." I glanced down at the envelope as she placed it in my hand. I couldn't help but smirk, well, what do'ya know, she called me Renji; that's a first. Lieutenant Abarai sounded too stiff for my liking anyway.

"Good night."

"Good'nigh." I sighed again, I hope this doesn't take too long.

* * *

**Kuchiki Manor **

I watched the man in front of disinterestedly as he led the way. "My master doesn't like to be disturbed after dinner. Are you certain this is not a message that I could pass onto him at a more appropriate hour?"

I resisted the urge to bash this man's head again one of the many fine wooden columns we passed. "Look, I'd much rather be in my own house having a nice hot meal after a tiring's days work! But like I said this is from _captain _Unohana, she wants it personally delivered I'm just going to give it to him and go!"

The man looked slightly taken back by my response, like I give a bleeding monkey' ass! He frowned at me disapprovingly. "My master should be three doors down from here." He said pointing to the thin rice paper covered doors on my right. "I will return momentarily for you."

"That won't be necessary, I plan on leaving once I've given this to my captain."

"I insist." With that he turned on around walked away, I didn't look back but I could hear his steps fading. Geez, what does the man think I'm gonna rob this place?

I sighed once more.

I respect my captain, but right now I don't care about waiting for him to come out. It must be nearly nine o'clock now and I'm starving. As I slid open one of the doors I thought I heard his deep voice.

"Yes like that."

"Is this really okay?" Wait a minute that sounds like Rukia! She's back!

"Use the oil to lubricate the tip." Hugh? What on earth was the captain talking about? Oh never mind that, I opened the first door out of the three.

"Like this?

"Yes." I walked forward and slid open the second door, but stopped trying to decide when would be a good moment to interrupt their conversation.

"It's so soft, like a soft fur!" What? Okay this is just getting creepier by the second.

"Stop that's enough." I heard my captain's commanding voice ring.

"Brother I-"

"Do not hesitate, the motion will come to you naturally." I heard the sound of something that sounded like clothes ruffling. I stopped dead in my tracks.

"I have observed that you favour your left hand." She's left handed? I didn't know that.

"Yes…I suppose I do."

Ok then, forget this. Should I go in _now_?

"Place your thumb midway on the underside, use it to stabilise your grip. Then place your others fingers along it's length on the topside." My captain's voice demanded softly.

"Like this?"

"Very good." What the hell am I listening to! _Just go in Renji_ a voice in my head screamed, you shouldn't be eavesdropping on your captain and your best friend.

"Rotate you it about your fingers, experiment until you are comfortable with the hold." A mental image popped in my head and I shook my head vigorously.

"I think, I think I'm ready brother."

"Very well, start with a gentle stroke and ride upwards, do not try to control it, rather let it guide you." Are my ears deceiving me?! I suddenly felt hot despite the cool night's breeze that had managed to creep in through the thin doors.

After a brief moment's silence Rukia spoke again. "Am I doing this correctly?" I heard her ask so innocently.

"Hmmm." was the only sound I heard and it heard definitely came from the captain! By now my face was burning and my ears felt hot. Could they be…? Are they..? I gulped heavily and shakily reached out to open the third door and final shoji door.

"I'm sorry." I stopped hearing the tone of Rukia's voice. "I know I'm not very good at this-"

"Rukia." My captain started, held my breath waiting to hear what would be said next. "There is no need for you to apologize, the effort you put into this activity is admirable and your skills are satisfactory." Satisfactory, geez is that all you're gonna give her?

_Renji! This is not time to be thinking such as thing! Just a few meters from where you are standing your best friend Rukia and your captain who happen to also be brother and sister are doing something very wrong! _

"Brother, it's just that you are so much better than me at this, I feel…"

"Perish the thought, you are forgetting I have had many years' experience in this field." Wow! _Really _captain! "In fact I was quite young when I first started" I couldn't help but giggle, so he's a player! _Renji! _

"Your captain used to join me for regular sessions. He was my teacher after all." NO! No! This is too much! My captain and captain Ukitake used to do it?! This can't be right. It just can't be!

"If you would like, I could ask captain Ukitake to join us. If you don't mind that is." Rukia! What the hell? Did you just suggest a threesome?!

"Perhaps, but I must confess, the last person I did this with was…Hisanna."I sucked in a shallow breath! They must really be…! That can only mean one thing! They really are...! What should I do?! If I interrupt them the captain will probably kill me! _Renji! Don't be a coward, you've risked your life for Rukia before._

"Brother, I didn't mean to sound ungrateful, I'm honoured you called upon me to share this experience with you." What do I do? What do I do?_ Renji! Just calm down!_

"I am not displeased with you."

"In that case, can we do this again?" WHAT!? Rukia how can you say that?! I gripped the envelope in my hand tightly, scrunching the paper hard.

"It's late. We should bathe and prepare ourselves for bed." Surely he can't mean together. Right? I felt like I was on the verge hyperventilating! What is the world coming to? My captain and Rukia! No way! But-but, they-they're brother and sister!

"I'm not tired, I am willing to give this another go if you are." Well aren't you bold Rukia!

"Your enthusiasm is admirable, however perhaps you've failed to notice the state of your yukata."

"Oh. It's splashed all over me!" What! What's splashed all over you Rukia?! "You're right brother, I should change before it dries on my clothes."

"Before you leave there's one last thing."

"Brother it's-"

That's it, I ripped open the door! I crashed inside, my eyes wide and my breath coming in large hot heaves.

"Renji!" Rukia looked startled. "What are_ you_ doing here?!"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING! HE'S YOUR BROTHER!"

She looked momentarily stunned."Renji, cease your screeching! Now what _are_ you talking about?!" Finally catching a second to calm down, I took in my surroundings.

In the middle of the spacious room was a large piece of paper several metres wide, a pot of ink, and a jar of oil. Wait a minute, this looks like a set up for a calligraphy session!

I looked back and forth from my captain's face to Rukia blinking rapidly.

"Renji! Don't just ignore me, I asked you a question!" Rukia demanded, her brows knitted tightly looking no less pleased than she did a minute ago. It was then that I noticed her creamy yellow yukata had a few splashes of ink on it.

"But-but-but…I thought you were…" Oh man, how am I gonna explain this?! This is just embarrassing.

"You thought what?!" she demanded hotly. Err that you were doing the dirty with your brother.

"Well?!"

"I don't know what to say." I said out loud.

"You idiot! You can't just come-"

"Renji." My captain spoke effectively cutting Rukia off. Man how I'd love to be under a rock at the bottom of a mountain under the sea right about now. "Why are you here?"

"Well…" Wait a minute why am I here?! Oh yeah that' right! "To give you this sir." I held the envelope taking note of it's sorry state from all my clenching.

"Well actually, it's for you Rukia. It's from captain Unohana, I was asked to give it to captain Kuchiki because you weren't expected to be back from the world of the living yet. Err…apparently it's important."

"For me? Why is it so crumpled?" she asked looking a lot calmer than she did a minute ago.

I chose not to answer. I looked back at my captain who was looking at me with a blank expression. Maybe we can just pretend that I didn't burst in here screaming insanely at the top of my lungs.

"Ah ha!" Rukia said happily.

"What is it?" I asked trying to avoid looking at my captain, I shook my head trying to shake away a very wrong mental image of my captain. Oh man, Senbonzakura isn't the only sword I'm gonna being having nightmares about from now on.

"It's the finally here!" Rukia looked thrilled.

"What is?..." I peered over her shoulder. "Is that a picture of the head captain, wearing a-?!"

"Mind your own business Renji! This is exclusive to the Women's association, which last I checked you weren't apart of." She snapped, then adopting a sweet voice she said. "Good night brother. I hope we can do this again sometime. And, good night Renji, next time don't come in screaming like a buffoon!"

"Wait just minute, you're telling me I went to all this trouble to deliver a-" I was cut off again when my captain spoke.

"Renji."

"Err, yes captain."

"I do not appreciate the way you have conducted yourself." Yeah I could have said the same thing if you were doing what I thought you were doing.

"I'm sorry." I think I owe him one for reasons he doesn't know.

"You need to work on your stealth."

Then it clicked. "You mean you knew I was here all along!"

"Of course." He observed dryly, "you are less than capable at concealing your presence."

"I…" That bastard, if he knew I was here why the hell didn't he tell me to come in?!

"Hmmm. Perhaps one day you would like to join us for a session." He said suddenly.

"Sir?" is he _actually_ smirking at me?

* * *

**Just to clarify for anyone that didn't quite get it:**

**1. "Use the oil to lubricate the tip." - done to smooth out the bristles on a brush.**

**2. "Place your thumb midway on the underside, use it to stabilise your grip. Then place your others fingers along it's length on the topside." - that' just Byakuya giving in depth instructions on how to hold the brush.**

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_**I tried to keep the characters as true to their personalities as my imagination would allow, but I realise they seem a little OOC. Oh, and the lengthy sections in italics represent Renji's conscience. **_

_**Anyway I really hope you liked it and I apologize for any errors. **_

**_Do you think I should carry on, or should I give the lighthearted humour a break? I have a few more ideas, just a little uncertain at the moment._  
**


End file.
